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today is my birthday. i’m supposed to be happy am i right? no. thank you dad for ruining the whole day. i’m sensitive when it’s about my birthday. i might appear happy and dumb and idiot but truth is i always feel so alone. i feel like shit most of the day, everyday.
idk where to start. im so deeply hurt by everything. i treated like a dog by the one who give birth to me.
i start my day by being yelled and abused by my dad. on my birthday. he didnt remember it was my birthday today. not even a single word said from his mouth that has something about my birthday related. its al just curse curse and lts of horrible swear words that im already get used to. he said the reason he punished me was because im still awake at 3 am. i told him bc everyone was saying happy birthday to me and i replied everyone. i was so fucking happy bc i thought everyone already forget me since i never talk to them anymore, or just say, i stop socializing. he said bullshit, he asked me do i even have friends that stay up to say happy birthday at 12 and talk to me. it hits me. i dont really have friend irl anymore. all of my bestfriends are older and studying overseas and i kinda lost connection with them due to timezones and everything, while my “friends” here, i stop going out with them.
i have so many reason that i can list why i stop going out with them. unnecessary drama is one of the most obvious reason, but another one biggest reason is because i want to stop my nightlife. i’m 18 now and i HAD a terrible past such as nightlife, alcohol and gang back when i was still 15. compared to all my friend im still the rookie here but i seriously stop it like a year ago. i stopped when my friend(s) got pregnant and my friend got caught by the cops and sentenced to jail. i realized if i keep continue doing this i might end up like them and i dont want to have that kind of life. i’ve never contact any of them anymore. i spent my friday and saturday night studying english and yeah, on twitter talking to you guys.
i always told my friend that i ran out of money, where truth is, money was never the problem. honestly, i’m the daughter of one success company in my city and grand daughter of the very famous brand in indonesia. i have lots of maids i have a big house with swimming pool,but i never feel like home in my own house. this place i called home feels like hell to me. i cant be who i actually am here. when i feel sad, i have to hide it from them. when i feel happy, i have to hide it too. if i feel like crying, i have to hide myself on the toilet and turned the shower on so it’d look like im taking a shower when im actually crying my heart out. it kills me everytime i have to fake everything and pretends like im ok im happy im good. my mom was never like a friend to me.
when i was bullied by everyone in my elementary, i stay silent.
when the doctor said i need to stop my basketball career bc of scoliosis, i keep my face straight. i never cry in front of them no matter how much it kills me.
when i got my first heartbreak, i keep all to myself bc i have no one to talk to.
whenever i get my backpain because of the scoliosis, i will just cry silently under my blanket.
whenever im sick, i will just try my best to cure myself without any medicine.
because they wont care and it hurt me so much so id rather not let myself down by them.
instead of giving me warm words and support when i was sentenced with scoliosis, they curse me for being a dumb daughter who will just squeezed their money out, where actually i inherit this scoliosis from my dad. at time like that i really dk what to do. at one side i want to cry because me myself dont want to have this kind of disease, another side im angry at everyone especially my dad, why do i have to inherit this from you. why me, why not my spoiled brother? i was so angry to God too, to the point i stop going to the church for a year (and explain why i was drowned to nightlife). im so mad at everything„ im mad at my parents spending a lot of money for my body braces and force me to wears it everyday everywhere.
during the last 3 months i’ve been depressed more than ever, and today is the the i will let out everything. i cant hold it anymore. i really want someone to hug me, to comfort me.
i am so done with life. i am going back to school tomorrow. i have another extra hour and school on saturday due to senior year and i have national exam coming. i have to work my ass off bc i want to move to either australia or america for good.
if you’re reading up until this point, that means you really are care to me despite this text is fucking long ass text post full of my rants and depressed thing. i love you. i’ve cried a bucket today. since the morning, before writing this, while writing this, and even after writing this, maybe im still crying here. i love you tlist i love you
see you later